Friday, August 2, 2013

Macmeth: The Most Excellent Dark Comedie and Tragical Historie of Sir Walter Whyte

In which we catch you up to speed with “Breaking Bad” by recapping the first 8 episodes of Season 5 – in Shakespearean (sort of) verse! 

Epysode the Fyrst: “Liveth Free or Die”

Fie! In futuretymes, Walt celebrayteth his byrtheday, 52nd,
In the tavern known as Denny’s Restaurant.
And double-fie! No longer bald,
A full head of curly locks his head doth hold.

Entering Denny’s secret privy,
To a bearded gentleman, Walt doth divvy
Some funds in exchange for a turnkey to one
Automobile, which in its trunk holds a machyne gun. 

We flash backwards in tyme to Lady Skyler, his wife,
Who reveals to Walt that she now feareth him, for her life.

Meanwhilst, Myke, upon learning of Gus Fring’s fate,
Returneth from Mexico, with plans to smite Walt and make him Walt the Late.
But lo, Jesse becalmes the angry Myke,
And convinces him to hold his strike.

Erewhile, at Ye Olde Chicken Brothers shoppe,
Hank hath seized Gus’ computing lappetoppe,
Containing evidence, filled with death
Surveillance from the Stupendous Lab of meth.

Upon learning that the lappetoppe is in a place dark and murky,
A castle stronghold of the High Sheriff of Albuquerque,
Our three rogues put brains to wrack,
To contrive a plot to get the lapptoppe back.
Forsooth! cries Jesse, A giant magnet would do the tricken,
‘twould foul the lappetoppe taken from the Brothers Chicken!

And so to Old Joe’s Junkyarde they do away, and with some lucke,
Set hands upon a giant magnet-laden truck,
Which they drive to the High Sheriff’s secret lair,
And set about their convoluted plan with care.
They activate the great magnet
And turn the lappetoppe’s evidence to (bleep).

As our heroes make their gallante escape, 
Myke, still surly as an ape, 
Cries to Walt, Fie! You say we're safe, but how do you know
We have not somehow stubbed our toe?
Perhaps to be arrested in a week or day?
To which Walt, with steely gaze replies, 'Tis so because so I say.

Epysode the Seconde: “Madrigal”

At Madrigal, in olde Germany, 5,000 miles away, by freighter
Schuler smotes himself with automated external defibrillator,
Just as constables arrive to beg him sing
Of his dealings with the late Gus Fring.

Anon, in Albuquerque, Sir Walter hides the ricin from poison’d cigarette
In his castle wall, behind cover’d electrycyl outlet.
Then, to Jesse’s house doth Sir Walter bolt
With cigarette filled not with poison, only salt.

In Jesse’s living roome -- barely large enough for Zumba -- 
Sir Walter the fake poison secretes in Jesse’s Roomba.

Meanwhilst, eleven knaves who worked for Fring
Are still around, and thus could sing,
Causing Lydia, high-strung Madrigal exec
To implore, Zounds! Myke, shoot them in the neck!

In an Albuquerque diner, squalid,
Myke says, By my heart, my knaves are solid.
Fie! says Myke. They need not shuffle off this mortal coil
For Gus has made them all rich as royals!

From the diner, Myke doth away,
But soon must meet with DEA
In faith, says Hank, ’twould be a bitter pill
Should we place a pox upon your two mil
The king’s ransom in the name of Kaylee, your grand-daughter
You’ve hid most stealthily in account offshore.

Verily, Lydia, then, concocts a scheme,
To have Chris, a knave, shoote Myke in the spleene.
The knave – through Mr. Chow -- calls Myke to raise a fuss
Whilst Myke, with Kaylee, plays Hungry Hungry Hippopotamus.
But Myke turns tables on poor Chris  
Who ends up with more holes than cheese of Swiss.

To wench Lydia's keep doth Myke, then, in anger, steal
With intent of malice, but on appeal
Lydia convinces Myke, alas, her death would be most obscene
For she can supplyeth them with methylamine.

Epysode the Thyrde: “Hazarde Pay”

Myke and his crapulous lawyer, Dan,
Visit nine knaves reposing in the can
To lay assurances that they
Shall continue to receive their hazarde pay.

Erewhile Lady Skyler, Sir Walter’s Aphrodite,
Finds Sir Walter in the castle unpacking tighty-whiteys
Faith, good sir, says she, fearing hassle
Doth this mean you reside once more inside the castle?
Aye, says Sir Walter, I’ve home at last,
Oh, look! Herewith my copie of Leaves of Grass! 

Enter Saul, the lawyer-foole, with gift of gab
To help the rascals three find new location for their meth lab.

Hark! Says Sir Walter, I spy what’s best,
Yonder castle which seems by pest infest
‘Tis cloak’d in colourful tent, drawn close
Upon which is writ, “Pest Vamonos.”
Perhaps o’er-run by termite or roach,
‘Tis there we’ll cook, where no person dare encroach.

Two varlets, skeevy, Badger and Skinny Pete,
Make purchase of roadie cases, in which to secrete
A moveable meth lab, carryed house to bug-bombed house,
All under tent’d guise, as if to delouse.

At Jesse’s castle, Sir Walter meets Andrea and li’l Brock, son,
Whom he nearly smote with Lily of the Valley, a plant poison.
Whilst, at the car wash, Marie pesters Skyler, talks and talks until, abrupt,
Skyler yells, Shut thee up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Later, whilst Lady Skyler, in her bed, lays down,
Sir Walter, to explain his wyfe’s breakdown,
A story concocts he for Marie.
Fie! Skyler firkytoodled with Ted Beneke!
Erewhile, Skyler awakes to find Sir Walter, Junior and babe Holly
Watching Scarface, acting jolly
The horror on her fair visage reveals what doth portend
That all may soon say Good Morrow! to Sir Walter’s little friend.

As Myke splits the spoils of meth eighteen ways
Sir Walter takes offense at knaves’ hazarde pay.
Quarrel they, and, Myke away doth smugly walk
Forgetting that Sir Walter is the one who upon thy door doth knock.

Epysode the Fourthe: “Fifty-one”

At Ye Olde Auto Repair Shoppe, Sir Walter doth broach
The status of his well-worn, and often-ruptured coach
The Pontiac Aztek, restored to condition minte
Compleat with paint: Fern green, interesting tint.
But as Sir Walter donneth the crown of Heisenberg
He sees the Aztek as absurd
Unfit for Hyde, 'tis coach of Jekyll's
So he sells it to Benny for fifty sheckels.
Now to his castle Sir Walter doth thunder
In brand new, jet black Chrysler 300.
And for Junior, lest he regard himself a loser, 
A fine Challenger of Dodge replaceth lame PT Cruiser.

At Warehouse Madrigal in Houston, anon, 
Hank and Gomez arrest poor Ron
Who to Lydia did able methylamine to flow
Causing Lydia to scream into a pillow.

Erewhile, the Lord of DEA reveals a notion
To Hank he offers up promotion
An honour which leaves Hank feeling perky
To become High Sheriff of Albuquerque.

At Sir Walter’s birthday feast, with cake and gruel
Lady Skyler, like mermaid, steps into the swimming pool
Where sinketh she to quiet down
In hopes, apparently, like Ophelia, to herself drown
But by Sir Walter dragged safely to the bank
Then children away, safe, to Marie and Hank’s.
My lone device to keep them so, Skyler makes Sir Walter learn,
‘Til deathly plague-borne carbuncles to thine bones return.

Meanwhilst, Jesse must away to Warehouse Madrigal
To receive from Lydia the methylamine, stored in blackened barrel
But then Lydia – opposite of serene
Finds a GPS tracker on the methylamine
A trap sprung by DEA, cries Lydia, with bated breath
Causing Jesse to flee without the meth.

Fie! cries Myke. We’ve been betrayed
By Lydia, now must this crazy wench feel my blade.
Faith, says Jesse, stay thou deathly hand
For we needs cast ballots upon thy plan.
And thus, with Sir Walter’s vote, Myke’s murderous rage is scotched,
And Jesse gives Sir Walter as birthday gifte a fine, expensive watch,
Which Sir Walt displays to Skyler, proud, and confident predicts
That soon she’ll not wish away his time, as, on his watch, away the time doth tick.

Epysode the Fyfthe: “Dead Freight”

Curtain lifts on desert, barren waste
A little Lord races steed in haste
‘Til, encountering tarantula, quite hairy,
The young Lord stops and plays, unwary.
Then, spider placed in glass cage to repose,
Little Lord and spider away, as from a distance train whistle blows.

At Hank’s new ASAC office, DEA, Sir Walter comes to speake, 
Relating tale of woe to Hank, as tears of crocodyles run down his cheeks.
Alas, Lady Sky no longer loves poor me!
Sir Walter carries on, causing Hank to flee
Rather than tarry, and listen to Sir Walter bawl
Giving Walt opportune to eavesdrop bugs install.

Anon, at undisclosed location, by prying eyes unseen
To learn who placed GPS on the barrel of methylamine,
Sir Walter, Myke and Jesse interrogate Lydia, wench of Madrigal
Upon threat of Myke firing a bullet into her skull.
Fie! cries Lydia. Put thou blunderbuss away,
‘Twas not I who placed the GPS, ‘twas the DEA.

Says Myke, I’ll shoot thee in thine head unless
You call Hank and say you found the GPS
Affix’d to bottom of meth barrel,
And slippeth not thy tongue, upon thy mortal peril.
They spy, by bugs affixed by Walt, forsooth, 
Learn that Lydia, indeed, spake naught but truth.
The Houston office, DEA, feeling foxy,
Tracking devices to Madrigal’s barrels, they did epoxy.

Lydia, now exonerated, doth preen,
Promising an ocean of methylamine
All they needs do, she doth explain, ho-hum,
Is rob it from a moving train, no problem!

In desert, barren waste, a dark territorie,
With help from Todd, beef-witted Vaminos Pest employee
The train tracks blocked cunningly, by clever ruse
They siphon meth without making news. 

As the four thieves celebrate unlikely score,
Upon them gazes the little Lord,
With tarantula, in glass cage, reposed
A witness now, the crime exposed.

Dull varlet Todd, warned no witness of their crime must they to chance
Whil’st little Lord good morrow waves, pulls blunderbuss from back of pants
Toward innocent youth, advanceth he, to save the thieves kerfuffle
With weapon drawn, causeth he little Lord to off this mortal coil shuffle.

Epysode the Syxthe: “Buyout”

At livery stable, rogues return from heist of train
Hearts heavy after Little Lord the varlet Todd hath slain
Dismantle they the steed the Little Lord had rid, 
And youth’s remains, in barrel mix’t with hydrofluoric acid
As Todd and Jesse smoke tobacco
Jesse feels Todd, who grieveth not, must verily be a wacko
When Todd attempts to laugh away, in jest,
His visage bids ‘Good Morrow’ to Jesse’s fist.

Anon, whilst Myke watcheth Kaylee play in the square,
The DEA spies, bescreen’d in coach ‘cross thoroughfare
Wise Myke, taking quill in hand, pens note for DEA to see,
Which, later found by Gomez, reads a jape, thus: 'Fie on thee!'

Myke and Jesse tell Sir Walter that, with danger near
They would’st retire, call it a career
Sell to Declan, from Phoenix, their two-thirds of the methylamine
For each of them a king’s ransom of near five million beans.
Fie! declares Sir Walt, ‘Tis bargain poor,
‘Tis worth 300 million, sure!
If thinkest thee the deal’s so awesome,
Thou art a sotty canker-blossom.

But Declan then rejects the deal
Unless Sir Walter’s third, as well, be sealed
Verily, sayeth he, ‘twould be well worth the purchase to bid adieu
From meth market Lord Heisenberg’s secret blend, The Blue.

To Sir Walter’s castle flies Jesse, keen
To convince Sir Walt to sell his methylamine
Prithee take this deal, Sir Walter, Jesse pleads
And let us from this accursed business breeze
No more to fear, thine a life of ease
Five million pounds no sum at which to sneeze.

Into the castle, with gather’d food
Enter Lady Skyler, sans her brood
Pray stay, Jesse, and feast with us, Walt doth entreat
And see what hell my marriage be.

At table, awkward silence looms,
So Jesse praises Skyler upon her rooms.
And thy feast, he says, ‘Tis most nobly done.
Lady Skyler glares. ‘Tis purchased from deli of Lord Albertson.

Erewhile Walter, to offices of Pest Vamonos doth ride
With plans the methylamine to hide,
Alas, Myke in wait for Walt doth lie,
And Sir Walter to the radiator tie.
Abandoning Sir Walter Myke does away to meet with agents DEA
Where Saul, lawyer-foole, warns Hank, from Myke to keep away.
Anon, Saul tells Myke that, due to his contortions,
Hank’s ardor for Myke now reacheth Uncle Miltie proportions.
Sir Walter, in manner ‘twould render MacGyver with envy motley green
Escapeth and doth hide away the plunder’d methylamine
O villainy! cries Myke to Walt. I maketh thee to shuffle off this mortal coil!
To which Walt replies, Faith! Stay thy hand and all will share in victory’s lush spoils.
Causing Myke to say, Off this mortal coil I’ll shuffle thee
To which Walt replies, Faith! Mark me and all will share spoils of victory.

Epysode the Sevynthe: “Sayeth My Name”

To desert ride Sir Walter, Myke and Jesse for tête-à-tête
With villain Declan from Phoenix-town and four well-armed varlets.
What devilry, sir? sayeth Declan. Brought thee nought the juice?
By troth, we struck a bargain, 1000 gallons of methylamine thou would’st produce.

Faith, Sir Walter sayeth. Our juice is not for bid
Thou deal’st now with me, good sir, who has’t the methylamine well-hid.
And who art thee, Declan cries, That would’st suffer at my varlets’ hands thy death?
I am the man who slew King Fring, says Walt, Now offers thee chance to sell my blue meth.

Fie! I know thee not from Adam, Declan declares, have not I made this plain?
Walt says, Pay thee Myke his ducats, and proclaim thee now my name! 

Myke, anon, hears through Walter’s bugs that Hank, warrant in hand, on him will call,
So stasheth he a purse filled with coin and gun in chariot in airport parking stall.

Jesse, erewhile, adjoins Sir Walter at Skyler’s chariot scrubbery.
I would have my pot of gold, says Jesse, And from this accursed business flee.
Give me now, like Myke, five million pounds, and I shall away, say ‘Fare thee well.’
Prithee, why? says Walt, When foul deeds done have already reserved our rooms in Hell. 
Stay and cook with me, and in doing so, increase thy boodle twenty fold.
But leave thee now, thy jackanape, and I’ll keep all thy gold!
Nay, I’m done, says Jesse, I’ll take none, and take my leave without.
And so doth he flee with empty hand whilst Sir Walter his name shouts.

With Jesse having bid adieu and fled, from Walt his hands to clean,
Sir Walter teaches young ruffian Todd to cook the blue methamphetamine.

Meanwhilst, Gomez and Hank, order’d not to shadow Myke, make another plan, like foxes
And catch they Myke’s lawyer, Dan, as he fills with hazard pay the nine knaves’ safe deposit boxes.

Anon, at Hank’s office to debug, Walt doth spy with bended ear,
Gomez tell Hank that lawyer Dan his guts do spill, and Myke’s arrest is near.
In haste Walt calls for Myke, in pannick’d voice, and cries, Thou must away.
Verily, sir, you must flee, or go thee to the dungeons on this day.
And so Myke, at park with granddaughter, Kaylee,
Doth fly, ‘ere hauled away to jail, be he.

Anon, Myke calls Saul, the lawyer-foole, whom Myke hath kept in pay.
Bring to me my purse, well-stashed, says Myke, So I can make my getaway.
But Saul, quakebuttock’d by fears of DEA, begs a coward’s leave,
Leaving Sir Walter, of all, alone, Myke’s go-bag to retrieve.
To park, secluded, Sir Walter meets with Myke, who doth then Walt beshrew.
‘Ere I hand o’er thine purse, says Walt, Thou wil’st recite names of knaves nine paid hazard to.
I’ll tell thee not, says Myke, grabbing purse, and away to his chariot,
Where upon opened purse he sees gun gone too late, as Walt shoots him in the gut.

Fie! cries Myke, thou villain foul, you’ve shot me down, like dog
Then maketh he to peaceful ground, where Walt finds him, on a log.
Forsooth, says Walt, sorry am I, needs not this play have gone so awry.
Prithee, shut thee up, says Myke to Walt, and leave me rest in peace to die.

Epysode the Eyghth: “Gliding O'er All”

Myke’s body stuffed in trunk of chariot, Sir Walter, none too euphoric, 
With Todd at Vaminos Pest offices, prepares barrel of acid hydrofluoric.

In Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe, Sir Walter meets with Lydia, Madrigal wench, ever wary, 
To learn from she the names of Myke’s ten knaves (counting lawyer), before they turn canary. 

Says Lydia, Once these names I speak, upon this list my own name would’st thou place,
To which Sir Walter replies scoffingly, As if in such publick place would’st I thee waste.   
Lydia proposeth Walt a ploy, to keep his blade from her neck,
Through Madrigal, thou blue meth I’ll send to Republick of the Czech.
By two million ducats weekly will I thou purse augment,
And hark! Of this scheme my plunder comes to just thirty percent.
Sir Walt agrees and Lydia writes the names of Myke’s ten knaves
Then, smiling, she and Walter shake, sealing deal and ten men in their graves.
As Lydia doth away Sir Walt from table lift his hat, and thus we see
A vial of poison ricin hid beneath ‘twas meant for Lydia’s tea.

With Todd’s tattoo’d uncle, Jack, at thievish inn called Hacienda,
Sir Walter meets foul ruffians, to plot a murd’rous agenda.  
By deadly clockwork, ‘cross dungeons three, by bloodied blade, by fall and fire,
Ten knaves, within two minutes all, are dispatch’d, forever to retire.

Erewhile, Hank, ‘pon hearing news that all ten knaves have been erased,
Moans to Walt, O, wo is me, for monsters do I chase.

Sir Walter’s fortunes now do flourish as to the Czechs his meth doth fly
He cooks and cooks the crystal blue, and his pot of gold grows ever high.
On Jesse’s door, he knocks, one day, as if in neighborhood, perchance,
And leaves five million pounds for Jesse, who relieved, takes gun from back of pants.

At Castle Whyte Sir Walter finds Lady Skyler washing dishes
I’m out, I’m out, he sayeth, fulfilling, for now, at least, her wishes.

Anon, Marie and Hank come to sup, on Sir Walter’s patio,
Passing time with talk mundayne, till Hank feels call of nature grow.
Hank sits on Sir Walter’s throne and to pass time while venting spleen
He looks for something to read, and finding there no People Magazine,
Lays hands upon Walt’s copie of Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman’s famous tome
But ‘tis inscription, from G.B. to W.W., that lights a candle above Hank’s shiny dome.

The Ende